http://PrettyMeUglyHer.blogspot.com
FERLYN (:
Sunday, March 27, 2011
;
6:27 PM
Okay, this ain't for anyone to read but I just wanna say it all out. My mind's really fucked up right now. I've been thinking. What the hell happened yesterday. I did something really ridiculous yesterday. Don't even know how it started and why I did it. I literally agreed to play fling with a player. What the fuck seriously. But I backed out in the end. I just couldn't do it. Say that I have no guts or whatsoever. I ain't some slut so I can't bring myself to do it. Perhaps, I'm tired of flinging. Been flinging quite a lot in the past. Got hurt in love, didn't want to believe in love so I fling. But I get pretty much nothing from it. Nothing is real anyway. They just come and go. So what's the point? I wanted to get out from this mess quite badly so I argued with the player. He's pretty pissed with me but I don't give a fuck la. I still wanna be friends with him but doubt it will happen anyway. He's really REALLY REALLY pissed now. Guess we're strangers now. My definition of fling? It's the feeling of infatuation. When the feeling dies, everything ends. Nothing else. Am I stupid or something? Why the heck do I still believe in love when I got pretty much shit from my last relationship? I always believed that the next guy will be better though it never happens. Kinda sucky honestly. I'm turning 20 and all the guys I met are just jerks? I'm starting to believe that there's only cassonova left in this world. Damn pathetic ain't it? Omg, such a cruel reality. Jin Quan, Wilson, Yudhi, Hu Han, Yida, Ray, Shawn, Royston, Rictus, Junda, Zack, Remy, Huijie and those clubbers I met? Gosh. The number is big. It's more than 15. Dude, more than 15. How sad can this be? None of them is meant to stay. I don't want the number to keep increasing. I had enough. When I was 16, he promised to get married with me when we turn 18. He broke his promise and ditched me 4 days before I turn 17. When I was 19, I wanted him to be my last guy. He said that we'll get married if we are still together when we're 22. But he was lying through his teeth from the start. None of his words were the truth and he lied to me all the while. In between, on and off flings which I get nothing out of it. I feel quite upset. It's like I'm being played most of the time. Being made used and toyed with. But I feel guilty as well. Cause I did toy with guys who wanted to get serious with me. I made them fell for me and then I ditched them. I even made guys shed tears for me. What a terrible person I am. I just wanted to fling at that time. I didn't want to go serious cause I got hurt. But now, I'm tired of being hurt. I want to be loved. I'm tired of those "come and go" guys. I want a guy who will stay. Honestly, I envy those couples who are together for years. Cause I haven't met one. I really want to believe that I will meet one. But it's hard, after being through so much. Because I want to be serious now, I can't fling anymore. I don't want to regret in the future. Despite having flings in the past, I haven't regret any of my decisions. It's life experience, ain't it? It's never guaranteed what will happen tomorrow. I just do whatever I want and still be the Queen in my life. I experienced how it feels to fling and now, I want to have a serious relationship that eventually, I will get something out of it. Commitment for a lifetime. It takes time so I won't rush. I believe that whatever that is meant to be mine, will be mine eventually. Nothing's gonna change this fact. He will accept me for who I am and not lie to me, cause lying is the one thing I hate the most and won't tolerate. I'm pretty much still feeling confused. I was right to back out from the deal, wasn't I? Why do I feel as if I was wrong to argue with you? Is it because I lost you as a friend for good? Gosh, I don't want to think anymore. You do whatever you want and I do whatever I want. If our paths won't cross, then so be it. I don't give a fuck. You already state your point and I'd made my stand. Be strangers then, if that's what you want. I've learnt to let go and move on fast. That's the fastest way to end misery no matter how much I struggle inside. No point getting tangeled in draggy business and get myself stucked in shit. It will only make me feel more pain. Guess that's in my blood. It made me turn out to who I am today. I don't like to clash with other people so I always do things that made me unique. I'm just like being the unique one. So, it's logical when I choose to let go and move on fast right? Other people take ages but I can just do it immediately. I don't want to lose my smile. You see my point? It doesn't matter if no one understands the way I do things. I got used to it anyway. I understand myself is enough.
you're MINE!
